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Tragedy.

I had to share this post! The Mental Health Stigma needs to end. Beautiful post!

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Mental Illness, OCD, Tourette Syndrome

Where Have I Been?

The LilypadDuring these last two weeks I have settled into a chair multiple times with my computer trying to write, but I was far too anxious. Finally on Tuesday I was able to write but it was filled with too much negativity making it quite upsetting to read. An hour after, I ended up having a huge breakdown. My OCD has really stepped up his game. He knows that I am going to be fighting him when I go to Rogers Memorial Hospital, and he doesn’t like it. My anxiety has been unbearable each day of the week. I wanted to share an entry I wrote in my diary, it really explains how much I was struggling.

My anxiety is washing over me in enormous waves. I tingle from head to foot and my entire body is shaking. I feel panicked and my breathing is shallow, on the edge of hyperventilating. This irrational, but overwhelming fear makes it feel like I need to jump out of my body and get away, but I’m trapped in a jail cell. Instead of iron bars, I have a fleshy skin, preventing me from leaving….I need to leave this body…I need to get out…please God get me away from this anxiety…my shallow breathing has now turned into a full blown panic attack and I can’t handle it. Please, someone help me…get me out.

Thursday was the first day I was able to handle my anxiety. Having that breakdown on Tuesday really helped me. I still can’t get dressed, go out, and eating has become an issue, but I’m staying strong… or at least I’m trying.

When I was in middle school my OCD would make me disgusted by food. It was as if there were worms on my plate instead of food. I became so grossed out by food that at the age of thirteen I weighed 79 pounds. Well, those feelings have come back to the surface, but they are not nearly as bad as before. I’m still able to force myself to eat a few things so I’m happy about that. I do however have a cold. But for some reason, my mood has been better. I’m still trapped in my house, stuck in my pajamas, but I’m working on staying chipper.

So in summary, yes I’m really struggling, so much so that I haven’t been able to write. I’m struggling enough to physically be stopped from thinking positive at times. And as much as I am trying to stay upbeat today, I think another breakdown will be happening in the near future. It’s a constant struggle to keep my thoughts cheerful during these hard times, but I’m lucky to have so much love and support.

~ Stay Chipper Friends ~

P.S  I’m afraid I will not be writing as much as I was before, my anxiety is just too strong. I’m thinking of posting on Mondays. I don’t know how it will be when I’m away at Rogers. I still don’t have a date as to when I will be going and I don’t know what the internet policy is.


Remember, if you find yourself nodding along to anything I’ve written, I’d love to hear from you! You can email me at chipperchelseakay@gmail.com


Mental Illness, OCD, Tourette Syndrome

The Time Capsule

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My family and young self.

A trip to the past is in store for today, our time machine? Just a simple memory from around the age of ten.

Nights were always the worst. Being tired made it hard, and I already had a few episodes in school that morning. That morning wasn’t good at all. I had felt the urges coming on and quickly raised my hand. Timidly I asked if I could go to the nurse, and embarrassed with the eyes of the classroom looking at me, I made my way down.

I put a tight smile on my face and said “My Tourettes is acting up”

“Go right in honey, if you need anything let me know” she said sympathetically.   

I took my usual cot and closed the curtain. The urges came in a wave and suffocated me. I yanked my legs in the air, my arms moved side to side, I craned my neck, back and forth, and I made noises that other students found annoying. I didn’t care that there was another girl in the room, it didn’t matter that she could see my shadows through the curtain, I cried and cried. I heard the nurse call up to the school pool where my mom worked and heard her say I needed her. My mom came down five minutes later and I cried harder with relief. She sat by my side and just rubbed my back as my tics flung my body around. It was two hours later that I went back to class with my red eyes and sore body to rejoin the lesson. My mom would later that day sit at the dining room table with me and read the lesson in the book. She was no teacher, but it was the only way I was able to learn.

But that night? The worst episode of the day was about to happen. I went to my bed to lay down. As I looked straight up, I could see the pitched ceiling above me. It was close enough for me to put my legs up in the air to touch. I’ve done it thousands of times to feel a pull in my thigh that my Tourettes told me I had to feel. It’s the exact pull you feel if you bend down and touch your toes. The bad thing about the pull is eventually, if you bend down to touch your toes enough, the pull goes away…and I needed that pull!

My Pitched Ceiling
My Pitched Ceiling

Releasing that one leg tic brought them all on. Fifteen different tics at once. For three hours, it was the torture of the night. Feeling a pull in both my legs, feeling a pull in both my arms, feeling a pull in my back, feeling a pull in my neck, twisting my wrists to feel pulls, twitching my nose, making noises, hearing my bed creak,crying, and…humming? I open my swollen eyes to see my mom right beside me. She takes her gentle hand and rubs my back. She hums loud enough for me to hear over my sobs and my tics.

“I’m right here sweetie” she cooed gently.

And she was. Both my parents. They have always been right here with me, guiding me, comforting me, and pulling me up when I’m down. Some families fall apart during the hardships, but ours grew closer, and I’m so thankful.

I never imagined that in the future, I’d fight the twenty urges that came at once, or that I’d just have one to three tics that I can easily live with. I never imagined the peace I’d feel with overcoming Tourette Syndrome, and it’s something I should remember here in the present when I can’t imagine the future beyond my OCD. There will be a day when I overcome OCD just like I did in the past. I did it before, I can do it again.

~ Stay Chipper Friends ~


Remember you can always email me at chipperchelseakay@gmail.com


Personal photos are mine

Featured Image is from http://wefunction.com/free-high-res-photos/

Mental Illness, OCD, Tourette Syndrome

Life’s Lightning

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There is a point in time when life takes a strike and everything becomes real. The struggles I had before were just a distraction from real life. There comes a time when I need to rejoin society and pop the bubble I have been hiding in, and as scary as it is, and as much as I despise the idea, it needs to be done.

After coming to this realization, my brain hated the outcome and decided to lash out. My OCD and anxiety continue to beat me down, and a black blanket of depression has been placed over my brain. My mental illness does not want me to get the help I desperately need and is kicking and screaming. Everything has gotten worse, and I can either use it to hide from the prying eyes of the real world, or I can rise above it and re-enter the life you all are living. To rise above this, I need more serious help. I need to go back to the amazing residential hospital called Rogers Memorial Hospital. They specialize in many things, a main one is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I was there in 2010 when I was fifteen years old and beat my OCD. I was free from it for 3 years, along with my Tourette Syndrome and Depression. It’s time I go back, so I am now officially on the waiting list.

This is really happening, and I am so frightened. I’m scared to rejoin society because once I’m healed, I will have absolutely nothing to blame any failure on. If I slack off, I can’t blame it on my OCD, because it won’t be there. I will be vulnerable, and that thought intimidates me. So all in all, as much as I want to get back to my life and overcome my OCD, there is a huge part of me that wants to hold on to it. I know that Rogers will work on these feelings, but right now I just feel hopeless. I know I need to go, but I don’t want to lose Mr. OCD. I’ve made this choice myself, but it feels like it is my only choice. Because of this hopelessness, Depression has kicked in like I said above. I don’t want to fight OCD right now because in 3 weeks, I’ll be doing in at Rogers. I just see no point in forcing myself to feel the terror that OCD creates when I go out the door, get dressed, wear jeans, and lets not even mention school.

I’ve had a breakdown every day this week because I can’t get over this irrational need to have OCD in my future as an escape route. I don’t know why I feel I need one, but this fear is just so strong.

Am I a little relieved that I will be going to Rogers Memorial Hospital? Yes, I am. I know how wonderful the facility is, the outings and activities they have, and the program. I will be guided by the steps I need to face my fears OCD creates, and the fears I’ve created. As relieved as I am, life has taken it’s strike, and everything feels too real right now. I’m working on staying chipper, so much so, that I’m going to be seeing Cinderella today! Nothing like a happily ever after to brighten my day!

 ~ Stay Chipper Friends! ~


Remember you can always email me at Chipperchelseakay@gmail.com! I’d love to hear from you!

And if you want to check out Rogers Memorial Hospital here is a link! https://rogershospital.org/ I will be staying in the brand new building of Cedar Ridge for adults and adolescents.



Cover Photo from: http://www.wunderground.com/wximage/shep1478/40

Mental Illness, OCD, Tourette Syndrome

5 Ways I Cope With Anxiety

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If you’re reading this, you most likely struggle with some sort of anxiety. You know how hard it can be, I know how hard it can be, and we all know that it’s irrational to have so much anxiety over our triggers. I’m not a professional, but I’ve dealt with anxiety for over thirteen years and have picked up my fair share of tricks. Here are five tips to help you climb that mountain.

  • Start a daily check list.

    I made mine on Pages (Word for MacBooks) and added a section for ‘Achievements’ that I write down at the end of the day. (You can download it below!!!) 

  • Rationalize

    You need to remind yourself that the anxiety isn’t real. There is no real reason for these feelings, and it’s okay to have them. They can’t hurt you and will eventually go away. This process is called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

  • Journal your feelings and end it on a positive note.

    When you write down your feelings, you will start realizing that there are things you didn’t even know were bothering you. Ending it on a positive note is important as well. I find it works better than listing positive things about life because lists make it feel like I’m trying to remember there are good things in life instead of actually changing my thought process.

  •   Always remember that things get better.

    I remember when I hit rock bottom. Things couldn’t get any worse.  I was days away from getting tube fed because I couldn’t eat, I was trapped in my own house, and there was a chance I would have to be in assisted living. I realize now that the best part about rock bottom is that it can only get better.

  •  In the end, this experience will give you a deeper appreciation to life.

    You won’t take advantage of the little things in life, you will see beauty in nature and find happiness in the new memories you make because you know how hard life really can be, and know what it is like to see only darkness.

Extra!

  •  One day when everything has been great, things might get hard again, but you will already have the tools to make it through.


Download my Checklist

Stay Chipper Friends! 


photo credit: Unsplash.com uncopyrighted photos.