Mental Illness, OCD, Tourette Syndrome

How Does it Feel for Me?

Camp fire

There are things in this world that scare each and every one of us. Heights, swimming, public speaking, the list is never ending. My fears just happen to be created by OCD. My OCD creates an irrational fear towards getting dressed, leaving my house, and anything school related. I can’t even talk to my friends that are back at college because I get filled with so much fear and dread. It makes me so angry because these feelings are not even real. I get filled with so much anxiety and fear; it’s hard to describe so I have written a short scenario that gives you a glimpse of the exact feeling I have been trying to work through.

“There is a campfire right in front of you, warm and bright. Behind you, a masked man with a gun to your head. He tells you with a deep, throaty voice to put your arm into the blazing orange flames. You can already feel the heat in waves against your face. He pushes you closer and tightens his grip on the gun. You know you have to do it or you’re done for. You inch your hand closer with a pit in your stomach. Your hand doesn’t want to move, it feels stiff. The heat is unbearable and you’re not even touching the flames. You need to move your hand again, but it won’t budge. You push though the tightness and move it closer…and closer…you’re crying…sobbing…even closer…its in… you scream.”

It was exactly two hours ago I had to leave for my daily outing. I got dressed and the anxiety flooded through me. There were a few tears, but I let the emotions take over while I rationalized that they were not real. They couldn’t hurt me. I finished by putting on my shoes; getting dressed could be checked off my check list.

It was an hour before my set time to leave when I really started to feel my panic. I was in the scenario written above. The anxiety started up, tears streamed down my face, and my breathing got harder and harder. I went into a full blown panic attack. The feelings subsided about a half hour later.

Eventually it was time to leave and I didn’t have too much anxiety. That may surprise you, but for me that is how it usually goes. Getting to the point of leaving is harder than leaving itself, for me.I grabbed my keys and went to the neighboring town to the Family Dollar.I have made a set time to stay at my outing for twenty minuets, then I can leave. About halfway though walking up and down the isles, I had another panic attack. The store was dead, so I found a corner and let the fear in. I let the anxiety sit and allowed some tears slip. It ended in about five minuets and I continued looking around.

Finally time was up and I went home. Although it was a victory, a pretty huge victory for me, I hated the huge amount of relief I felt when I walked out of the store’s doors. There is no reason to be filled with relief because I shouldn’t have been scared to begin with. I’m working on trying to get rid of those thoughts because I truly am amazed that I was able to walk into that store with so little feeling. Sure it tried to come back, but I overcame that as well. I need to take every little positive in life right now as a victory. I need to try and stay chipper!

~ Stay Chipper Friends! ~

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