Mental Illness, OCD, Tourette Syndrome

Life’s Lightning

40-awesome

There is a point in time when life takes a strike and everything becomes real. The struggles I had before were just a distraction from real life. There comes a time when I need to rejoin society and pop the bubble I have been hiding in, and as scary as it is, and as much as I despise the idea, it needs to be done.

After coming to this realization, my brain hated the outcome and decided to lash out. My OCD and anxiety continue to beat me down, and a black blanket of depression has been placed over my brain. My mental illness does not want me to get the help I desperately need and is kicking and screaming. Everything has gotten worse, and I can either use it to hide from the prying eyes of the real world, or I can rise above it and re-enter the life you all are living. To rise above this, I need more serious help. I need to go back to the amazing residential hospital called Rogers Memorial Hospital. They specialize in many things, a main one is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I was there in 2010 when I was fifteen years old and beat my OCD. I was free from it for 3 years, along with my Tourette Syndrome and Depression. It’s time I go back, so I am now officially on the waiting list.

This is really happening, and I am so frightened. I’m scared to rejoin society because once I’m healed, I will have absolutely nothing to blame any failure on. If I slack off, I can’t blame it on my OCD, because it won’t be there. I will be vulnerable, and that thought intimidates me. So all in all, as much as I want to get back to my life and overcome my OCD, there is a huge part of me that wants to hold on to it. I know that Rogers will work on these feelings, but right now I just feel hopeless. I know I need to go, but I don’t want to lose Mr. OCD. I’ve made this choice myself, but it feels like it is my only choice. Because of this hopelessness, Depression has kicked in like I said above. I don’t want to fight OCD right now because in 3 weeks, I’ll be doing in at Rogers. I just see no point in forcing myself to feel the terror that OCD creates when I go out the door, get dressed, wear jeans, and lets not even mention school.

I’ve had a breakdown every day this week because I can’t get over this irrational need to have OCD in my future as an escape route. I don’t know why I feel I need one, but this fear is just so strong.

Am I a little relieved that I will be going to Rogers Memorial Hospital? Yes, I am. I know how wonderful the facility is, the outings and activities they have, and the program. I will be guided by the steps I need to face my fears OCD creates, and the fears I’ve created. As relieved as I am, life has taken it’s strike, and everything feels too real right now. I’m working on staying chipper, so much so, that I’m going to be seeing Cinderella today! Nothing like a happily ever after to brighten my day!

 ~ Stay Chipper Friends! ~


Remember you can always email me at Chipperchelseakay@gmail.com! I’d love to hear from you!

And if you want to check out Rogers Memorial Hospital here is a link! https://rogershospital.org/ I will be staying in the brand new building of Cedar Ridge for adults and adolescents.



Cover Photo from: http://www.wunderground.com/wximage/shep1478/40

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16 thoughts on “Life’s Lightning”

  1. Recovering from recovery, is just as hard, even though the pieces are mended, learning to use your new founds skill can be challenging.

    Re-entering life can only be done one day at a time and over time your confidence will come back and the time it takes is Ok, as long as you have ongoing support, you’ll make it.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Chelsea, you are extremely brave. I think the one thing that you are scared of is failing because you won’t be able to blame it on your OCD anymore. The thing is there is no such thing as failing. As long as you get up again the next day and try again you didn’t fail. Anyway thank you for commenting on my blog! 🙂 Good Luck!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for the reply and support! I’m finding a lot of great blogs that write about mental health. It has made me so excited to have word getting out for mental health awareness! Again thank you 🙂

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  3. I honestly can’t wait to read more and am excited to read further into your journey. My boyfriend suffers from OCD, and honestly hasn’t talked about it much since he finds it hard to explain. Reading what you have so far is really opening up this whole world of OCD, and I hope from the bottom of my heart that you can re-enter the world of the living. You seem like an incredible person.

    The one striking thing about this post is when you mention you don’t want to lose Mr. OCD. The waves of emotions just washed over me because when brought up with my boyfriend he says the same thing. OCD is so complicated and so complex, and how you have been battling it is just so inspiring. I really hope the waiting list frees up soon and you can get the treatment.

    And as always, awesome how you end the post with such positivity. You’re amazing!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Again thank you for your amazing words!! I’m sorry your boyfriend has had to struggle with OCD. After reading about your never ending struggles, I think the strength you have will be such an inspiration to him. That’s the kind of environment that is so healthy to be around. And I think it works both ways, his strength will be an inspiration for you. Any hardship is a hard thing to open up about, and I know with my OCD, many people can’t understand how our brains can make us think and believe various things that are not true. My friends at college don’t know too much about my struggles with it because it’s hard to understand. But I’m working on it, and I think your boy friend will open up soon enough. Stay chipper because you’re amazing too!

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  4. In reference to blaming OCD for your failures, I understand where you’re coming from. For example, during my pregnancy I had an excuse- not like I thought of myself as high and mighty. But if I felt really down on myself, it was because of the hormones. If I needed a nap, that was cool, because I was pregnant. Now I have to tough it out.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for this comment, you have no idea how comforting it is to know that other people have experienced this. And using your pregnancy which is ‘normal’ made me feel even better. It’s just like you said, now we have to tough it out. Thank you again for this! I can wait to start using it as an example when I need to explain how I feel. A little weight has been lifted 🙂

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