Mental Illness, OCD, Tourette Syndrome, Uncategorized

I’ve Lost my Smile!

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This past week has given me many challenges, making the fight to stay chipper awfully difficult. I’m desperately awaiting the phone call from Rogers Memorial Hospital saying that they are ready for me. I have the next available bed (after some persistence from my mom) but this waiting game is brutal. I’ve allowed OCD to take over completely, and that’s not okay.

My OCD that caused me to be disgusted by food as turned into a full blown eating disorder. Although I no longer feel disgusted by food, now I feel disgusted with myself for eating it. My stomach feels heavy after eating and my thoughts consist of how awful I look and how overweight I am. It’s just a couple more weeks until I will be getting the help I need, but until then I’ve caused myself to throw up multiple times. My brain is making me think these irrational thoughts. In fact, my brain has the power to throw away everything that is real and create an alternate universe. The only reason I know it isn’t real is because of my past treatments with my OCD. I know I should concentrate on that positive fact, but honestly, I’m not in the mood.

I have gone a week without showering because OCD creates this strong feeling of panic and fear. My thoughts swirl around and tell me, “I can’t do this, I cannot take a shower” My limbs tighten up as if showering is actually a task I can not achieve. When I force myself to take it, my cries become wails. It’s a scream and a panic attack at once. You can hear it outside of my house. And knowing that I will be experiencing that feeling again when I start fighting my OCD at Rogers makes me feel hopeless. Not hopeless as in I won’t ever be free of OCD, but hopeless as in how much emotional pain I will be in.

I am unable to get dressed. I stay in my pajamas all day and only change after I take my shower. The thought of putting on clothing makes my body tingle with anxiety. Leaving the house is not really possible. With the weather starting to get nicer I would love to spend my day outside on our deck, but it’s hard. The agoraphobia doesn’t want me out of the house. After a few minutes I end up back inside. I feel trapped. I’m completely overruled by my brain. I just need to remember that it’s only a few more days until I’ll get the help I need…just a few more days…just a few more days…just a few more days. Those are the words that get me through the day. Right now I’m working on surviving the days ahead. Staying chipper is a little hard at the moment, but hopefully there will be moments in the day where I can find a smile or two.

~ Stay Chipper Friends! ~


Remember you can always email me at chipperchelseakay@gmail.com!

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Uncategorized

The Puppy Post

Animals have always had a special place in my heart. I can’t get enough of them. I watch far too many animal videos, friends are always sharing animal videos with me, and my baby talk has become an unhealthy habit.

As a child, I loved animals, but my love for dogs really started when my Aunt Kellie adopted Sandy. I fell in love with her so IMG_0317much that on my seventh birthday, my aunt brought me my own mini dachshund named Mandy. Mandy is the dog that got me through my Tourettes and OCD. Having come from a puppy mill, she had a hard start in life, but seemed to really understand me. The bond we had was unbreakable. I’d have my breakdowns and she was the first one to comfort me. She’d run onto my lap and just sit there for hours as I cried and hugged her. She was my sister. Being an only child, she and I enjoyed playing together. She was the best gift I could have ever gotten. When my family went to UPENN in Philadelphia so I could fight my OCD, she came with us. As crazy as it seems, I really felt she understood. She was an enormous comfort to me. She got me through my hardships.

In 2012430121_3213379827898_2113020012_n Mandy started getting sick. We spent months trying to figure out what was wrong, went to many different vets, but couldn’t find any answers. She started to go blind and was constantly hungry. She gained a lot of weight and seemed to be uncomfortable. Vets believed she had a brain tumor. So May 18th, 2012 Mandy took a trip to heaven. My family took the day off, my Aunt Kellie came down, and we spent a beautiful last day in the warm sun. I put her in a special seat that attached to my bike and we went on one last bike ride. When it was time to say goodbye, we cried, and my parents drove off with her to the vets. My Aunt quickly tried to get my mind off of it so we took a little walk to the nearby Wintergreen Falls. As we stood on the platform overlooking the falls my aunt quickly called to me. She pointed to the railing. On it, almost glowing in the sunlight was the single word “Mandy”  It was a sign that she made it safely to heaven, but would always be with me.

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About five months later, our house felt empty and our family, incomplete. My mom and I felt like we were ready to get another dog. We imagined different names, and how cute it would be to adopt siblings. My dad felt that no other dog could compare to Mandy and hated the thought of getting another dog. One day my mom decided she wanted to just look at these newly born min36559_4406136486069_1360070464_ni dachshunds in the next town over. I knew we wouldn’t be able to just look at them…and I was right.  We asked dad if we could get them, and he reluctantly said yes after a few discussions.  We brought them home in November and they fit right in. It didn’t take long to love them, but it was a different love than I had with Mandy. I don’t think I will ever have another dog that will relate to me as much as Mandy did. She was my angel, my rock, and my sister. But as Emmy and Os943003_10200702155790794_931419853_ncar sit on me while I write this, I know that these guys are just as precious as Mandy was.

Mental Illness, OCD, Tourette Syndrome

Strong People Have Mental Illness?

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I have lived in the same town since the age of one. I love it here, and I love the mountains around me. Mountains are so beautiful; metaphorical mountains on the other hand are not. And when that metaphorical mountain is mental health, I imagine Hell has an entire mountain range.

I’m guessing a lot of you reading this have experience, or are experiencing this hike and know just how hard it is, while others are just starting to get the idea. There are far too many people who do not understand that our brains have the power to control our thoughts, our emotions, create false memories, and give us physical reactions to different situations. An example of the last one for me currently is becoming disgusted by food. Every time I want to eat, I almost gag because my brain tells me it’s gross. It is as if I am eating a plate of worms. It’s scary how our brains can control us like that.

Through my years of hiking Mount OCD, I have met—and even lived with—so many other fellow hikers. Every single one of them is a fighter. It’s shocking how we all suffer with hurdles that try to prevent us from living our lives, yet we find ways to see happiness in the little things. We find ways to gain strength and fight for the future we deserve. It is amazing how even when life continues to challenge us, a flame inside ignites, creating sparks in our eyes, which show how we can and will overcome whatever stands in our way.

We have all experienced the moment when we decide it’s time to fight our illness and live the life we were meant to live. We are so strong and we will one day overcome our obstacles. There will be a day when we can achieve our dreams, and there will be a day when we look back and see how strong we truly are. So yes, only strong people have mental illness.

~ Stay Chipper Friends ~

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Remember to email me any time at chipperchelseakay@gmail.com I’d love to hear from you!


I apologize for any confusion, I posted this once before but didn’t like how it ended up sounding. This is the updated version.

Mental Illness, OCD, Tourette Syndrome

1 Month Anniversary!!

Guys, it’s been one month since I started Chipper ChelseaKay!!

Celebration
http://www.welovesolo.com/colorful-fireworks-vector-celebration-background/

I wanted to take this time to thank you all for the crazy amount of encouragement, support, and understanding you have given me! It’s hard to open up about a subject that has such a stigma and misunderstanding. Even today, a nurse said to me “Oh, my son has OCD. He has to keep things neat or he gets annoyed” I should have corrected her, but I just nodded. I wasn’t up for small talk. But back to my thank you post! During this month I have gained 77 followers, made some new friends, and have been awed by the inspirational stories I have read. I see a long future in this blog, I see myself healing in the next few months, and I see myself sharing my experience with you every step of the way…that is, if you’ll stick with me during this winding road I like to call life.

I’d also like to thank the blog that got me started! You see, I always had the idea that I should share my story. I could do it through YouTube, by writing a book, or by blogging. Sharing my story with videos seems tricky, so I got rid of that idea. Writing a book is such a huge task, I really didn’t want to get into that. And how do you even go about getting it published?! After crossing that out I was stumped. I gave up on sharing my story for a few years. One day the idea of blogging occurred to me. I liked the sound of it, but forgot about it for months. After re-watching the YouTube video “After Ever After-Disney Parody” and then all of Jon’s new videos, I saw he had a really peppy and upbeat girlfriend…I guess you could call her “chipper” (total coincidence that I just realized!) So I wanted to see who she was. After some embarrassingly creepy google searches and instagram scrolls, I found her. Then I found her blog. It was the first blog I had ever read. (excluding my friend’s blog that journaled her abroad trips) I was shocked to hear her talk about her life with Crohn’s Disease. I remembered how I wanted to share my story, and the fears I had, but quickly thought, “If she is able to share intimate details about her colon with the world, and do it so well, I can too” So that very same night, after reading all of her posts, I created my WordPress account. So who is the girl that inspired me to finally share my story? Her name is Shannon Barry. So if you’re reading this Shannon, you are awesome! You gave me the boost I needed!

Again this is her blog https://shannonleebarry.wordpress.com/

This post ended up MUCH larger than I intended….I wasn’t planning on writing any of that! This was meant to be a thank you to all of my followers, because honestly, you have been absolutely amazing. I never expected to find such supportive people here. Okay, now that I’m tearing up, I’m going to finally end this!

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU