This past week has given me many challenges, making the fight to stay chipper awfully difficult. I’m desperately awaiting the phone call from Rogers Memorial Hospital saying that they are ready for me. I have the next available bed (after some persistence from my mom) but this waiting game is brutal. I’ve allowed OCD to take over completely, and that’s not okay.
My OCD that caused me to be disgusted by food as turned into a full blown eating disorder. Although I no longer feel disgusted by food, now I feel disgusted with myself for eating it. My stomach feels heavy after eating and my thoughts consist of how awful I look and how overweight I am. It’s just a couple more weeks until I will be getting the help I need, but until then I’ve caused myself to throw up multiple times. My brain is making me think these irrational thoughts. In fact, my brain has the power to throw away everything that is real and create an alternate universe. The only reason I know it isn’t real is because of my past treatments with my OCD. I know I should concentrate on that positive fact, but honestly, I’m not in the mood.
I have gone a week without showering because OCD creates this strong feeling of panic and fear. My thoughts swirl around and tell me, “I can’t do this, I cannot take a shower” My limbs tighten up as if showering is actually a task I can not achieve. When I force myself to take it, my cries become wails. It’s a scream and a panic attack at once. You can hear it outside of my house. And knowing that I will be experiencing that feeling again when I start fighting my OCD at Rogers makes me feel hopeless. Not hopeless as in I won’t ever be free of OCD, but hopeless as in how much emotional pain I will be in.
I am unable to get dressed. I stay in my pajamas all day and only change after I take my shower. The thought of putting on clothing makes my body tingle with anxiety. Leaving the house is not really possible. With the weather starting to get nicer I would love to spend my day outside on our deck, but it’s hard. The agoraphobia doesn’t want me out of the house. After a few minutes I end up back inside. I feel trapped. I’m completely overruled by my brain. I just need to remember that it’s only a few more days until I’ll get the help I need…just a few more days…just a few more days…just a few more days. Those are the words that get me through the day. Right now I’m working on surviving the days ahead. Staying chipper is a little hard at the moment, but hopefully there will be moments in the day where I can find a smile or two.
~ Stay Chipper Friends! ~
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