Mental Illness, OCD, Tourette Syndrome

They Story I’ve Been Too Afraid To Mention

In honor of National Suicidal Prevention Week I wanted to share my experience with suicidal thoughts. First I have a short free write and then I have a short poem.

I’m going to warn you that these posts aren’t as Chipper as my usual ones. This is to bring awareness and to let others know that they are not alone. I’d also like to mention that even the happiest looking person can be facing overwhelming hardships.

Me 2008I remember the chime of the silver bells that hung from my wooden bedroom door. I remember how they sang a sweet melody each time I creaked open the door, and how every time I did, my parents would run out into the dimly light hallway with tight worried faces. I would reassure them that I was okay, but in reality I wasn’t okay. They knew I was safe for now, but I was far from okay.

My parents knew everything I knew. I was as open with them as I could possibly be, and it probably saved my life. I never knew how much they did for me until years later. I don’t remember them locking up my multiple medications at night, or how they hid the sharp silver knives. I don’t remember when or where my dad hid the black bb gun. I don’t remember the hushed conversations my parents had with each other, or the tears that my mother shed every night. I don’t remember the angry prayers that were sent up to God. And I don’t remember the moment when my father punched a hole into the floral wallpapered wall in his bedroom. I do remember however, the day my mom bought a worn antique painting for my fathers room, which I now know was to cover up the gaping fist sized hole.    300x300

What I remember most were my thoughts. A hurricane inside my mind. The thoughts whirling and banging against the inside of my skull. I remember the streaks of tears that fell down my cheeks each night. And as the stars twinkled in the sky, I couldn’t help but hear my never-ending thoughts that said four simple words. “I need to die”

Eventually my parents rushed me to Urgent Care one night when I told them the thoughts were too strong. I didn’t want to kill myself, but I felt like I had too. I was admitted into Four Winds Hospital a few days later at the age of 13 to receive some help, along with some medication changes.

This poem I used for a school assignment. It had to create an image and emotion.

Young girl of just thirteen,

dysfunctional thoughts slaughter.

The wind whips against her skin,

tearing, scratching, causing her to bleed,

Blood pools in her thoughts,

she can see it, she can see her.

What of her parents? How would they react?

Seeing their one and only dead on the floor.

She loved them too much to give into the thoughts,

the thoughts that she desperately didn’t want to obey,

Will freedom ever come? Will the wind ever stop?

I wish I could go back and tell her how it ends….Oh, how it ends.

Oh how it ends……honestly, the thoughts did end; it gets better; there is always a choice; even when it doesn’t feel like it.

2008 concert

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College, Mental Illness, OCD, Tourette Syndrome

Optimistic Cinderella!

Cinderella was playing on ABC Family today! For some reason I have always related with Cinderella. I’m a goody two shoes all around, doing what I’m told, helping others, and so on. And as a teen, specifically High School, that was not considered “cool”. Having faced many hardships with my health, I had to grow up fast. Being the optimist that I am, with my hardships I still find laughter in the little things, I find love within my family, and I constantly find hope for a happier life. It’s like Cinderella says, “No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, a dream that you wish will come true” And that friends, is a fact. I’ve had many dreams come true. To some people my dreams may occur in their everyday life, but to me, knowing that makes me want to fight even harder.

~Stay Chipper~ 

quote cinderella .001

I still have my scheduled post for Monday at 9:00 so be on the look out!

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College, Mental Illness, OCD

Girl in Shining Armor


I’ve had a such a nice, normal week…..did I really just say that? I haven’t said that in over seven months! This week and the simplicity of it was something I never expected to really feel again. Tasks such as waking up in the morning, brushing my teeth, and getting dressed are actually easy right now. I can’t help but smile as I write this. I feel so light and airy. But at the same time, I feel another fight coming. The clouds are slowly swarming around me…and surprisingly, that’s okay. I have my armor on and I’m ready for the fight.

This week has been filled with so much excitement. I was excited to see my friends, excited to meet my teachers, I was excited for new classes, and I was excited to get back to the real world. Now that the excitement is wearing off, I feel him creeping in the back of my head. Mr. OCD is crawling slowly to his old spot in my brain above my right eyebrow. I started feeling slight urges to avoid, and my initial reaction was to panic. After a quick FaceTime with my parents to ground my thoughts, I felt better. So far I’ve been okay. I’m right on track with homework, if not ahead. My room is clean, my desk is organized, and I’m on top of daily tasks that need to get done. The one thing that is giving me a little trouble is showering. I’ve been showering everyday, but Sunday I skipped. I didn’t take one in the morning, and even though I planned on taking one in the night to make up for it, I didn’t. I felt awful for giving in, there was this guilt in the pit of my stomach. I don’t plan on giving in again any time soon. Sometimes you need to feel the consequence in order to move forward.

I’ve been preparing myself for a fight. I knew once the excitement ended, the urges would surface again. I’m not disappointed, if anything I feel strong. I honestly believe that I have learned everything I will ever know about facing my Anxiety and OCD. Right now, after an amazing few days, I feel like I’m at the top of the world compared to how I was not even four to five months ago, which you can read here. I really think I can do this. I think I can stay in school, and I think I can enjoy it. I think that one day I’ll be able to make long term plans instead of living hour by hour, and I’m excited for the day when I can help others and make them feel as strong as I feel right now.

~ Stay Chipper! ~

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College, Mental Illness, OCD, Tourette Syndrome

The Train

To be honest, my last post wasn’t my best work. I’m not very happy with it. Today I decided to give you guys an extra post for this week. I hope you enjoy it!

CNWS Hike No 3

I remember the feel of my bed after a long exhausting day. This bed has been with me since the day I no longer needed a crib. This bed is where dreams appear and adventure begins.

I have always loved the feel of the cool sheets against my skin. I love it so much so that I flip my pillow over multiple times in the night just to get a chill. I love to bundle up and make a cocoon with my blankets. In that dark cocoon is where it all starts. I remember how I would close my eyes and how images immediately started to appear. Not even a minute later, the dream would begin.

I was transported to a dry and barren grassland. Nobody is here, it’s abandoned…I’m alone. I can feel the heat hit me in waves as I walk down a worn dirt path. My shirt sticks to me, but I’m no longer sure if the sweat is from the heat, or if it’s from this sudden fear. I don’t know what I’m fearing until I come across some old railroad tracks. On the other side of the tracks the grass is greener and a lone tree stands tall. I hear the toot of an oncoming train and look in the direction. I back up instinctively, but don’t see anything coming. Looking back at the tree as if it called my name, I suddenly see my parents under the tree looking at me. They don’t look afraid, but I am. I’m too afraid to cross the railroad tracks, I can’t do it…I just can’t do it.

In the present time, it’s been years since I’ve had this dream. But I’m amazed by how I can relate to it. As someone who suffers with OCD and Anxiety, I remember thousands of times where I felt “I can’t do this”. The feeling was so strong it’s the reason I’ve been in residential treatment multiple times. It crippled me and took over my life. The difference is, my family has been right beside me every step of the way. They have never been out of reach. I will always be grateful for them. That train, as scary as it is, it will not bring me down.

~ Stay Chipper! ~

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