For a while now, I have been on the schedule of showering once every three to five days. Showering continues to be a struggle due to my OCD. The process of showering is a chore for me. Having to undress, get all wet, wash my hair and put conditioner in it, dry off, brush my now tangled hair. It’s a pain and OCD know’s that. He tries to protect me from doing such a chore. But, I’m tired of feeling dirty. Of having to coat my greasy hair with powder to make it look cleaner. Of spraying myself with perfume in case I smell. On Monday I decided enough was enough. I decided I will shower every night. It only took until Wednesday for OCD to decide he doesn’t like this new idea. The feeling of dread settled in my stomach like a lead weight. Anxiety trickled through my veins making it feel like an electric current. My heart tingled and fear seeped into my body spreading slowly through my limbs like a molten lava. My body refuses to leave the couch, and if I try, all of these feelings and emotions intensify. It makes me so angry. One more emotion to add to the storm inside me. I force myself to stand up in a swift motion and the storm inside roars making my tears leave their ducts and stream down my face.
I hate the feeling of anxiety. It feels like a mix of fear and static has settled into my stomach and over top my heart. I push through however and walk upstairs to the bathroom. I quickly undress and stand there looking in the mirror. I want to just jump in the shower, but I can’t. Now I have to look at my face. Look at any blemishes I have. Look at my arms and the freckles I have. It is as if my brain is doing anything it can to keep me out of the shower and distracted. If I try to look away, anxiety intensifies once again. The anger boils inside me making me finally jerk away from the mirror, place the shower mat on the floor, tug the curtain to the side, put the water on, and step into the shower. The storm starts to slip away and I’m left washing my salty tears away. I finish my shower with a heavy heart knowing I have to take another shower tomorrow. This feeling of dread gets old real fast. Anxiety gets old real fast. OCD gets old real fast…and I don’t even have my biggest trigger to worry about yet…school.
To add a positive to my negative mood, I know it will get easier. The more you fight the feeling, the easier it is the next time you do it. For showering, it may take a few weeks for it to feel easier, but in the end, it will.
~ Stay Chipper Friends ~
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