College, Mental Illness, OCD

Welcome, 2018…Forgive The Hesitant Hello.

2017, I’m afraid to say goodbye. You gave me the best year of my entire life. Truly. It was a year of triumph, success, and pay off. I can not thank you enough for showing me what life is truly supposed to feel like.

Fifteen years of being chronically sick with my mental illness and fighting each day with limited rewards for my efforts was rough. If something great did come out of my hard work, in a few days it seemed to be tainted by a fallback. My successes never felt real. I didn’t feel as though they were given to me but I felt as though I was given slack. Either I had more help than the average student or I was given a pass. Sure, I need to remind myself that simple tasks were 10x harder for me than the average student as well but there comes a time it just feels like excuses.

2017 showed me who I really am when I am healthy, and I love her. She is capable of traveling to London and Germany. She is capable of spending hours lost in museums relishing in the history and cursing the rest of the group for being faster than her. She is able to receive her Bachelor’s degree, she is capable of being accepted into a Masters program and receiving a 4.0 in it. She loved the idea of moving to New York City not knowing a single soul but having the world at her fingertips. She learned that she has spurts of extroversion, but then wimps out after a few days and crawls back into her shell until the cycle can begin again. She’s learning how to try and get rid of the awkwardness that has always been present in her life. She threw herself into all of New York City’s activities. TV Shows, Musicals, Festivals, Parks, Markets, Tours. She holds back the urge to smile at every person that passes by. She still doesn’t know where to put her gaze when walking down a street. Should she look straight ahead? Should she look at the people passing by? Should she look at the ground?

2017 had its struggles, but they didn’t compare to my past struggles. Honestly, 2017, as I said before. I am scared to say goodbye. I’m afraid to lose this feeling of freedom. Of true happiness. I hope you put in a good word for me with 2018. I feel like my life has just begun and there is so much to do.

2018…Hello. I hope there are no hard feelings about my hesitancy towards your arrival. You understand, right? I did give you a warm welcome New Years Eve at Times Square, so I hope that gives me some brownie points. Last year was a year for me. This year I’d like to make steps towards helping others. I’d like to use this year to learn how to properly assist someone with a mental illness. Whether it is peer support, residential counseling, or some other job in the mental health field, I hope this year I can make someone feel one step closer to how I felt in 2017.

nye
New Years Eve Times Square 2018

~ Stay Chipper Friends ~


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College, Mental Illness, OCD, Tourette Syndrome

Life Updates

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It has been way too long since my last post. Five months too long!  A lot can happen in five months. For me, almost everything that happened was completely positive. I guess I’ll start with my most exciting experience since my last post. January 5th I left for an amazing trip through my college. I spent ten days in London and 9 days in Germany and one day in Austria learning about World War II, the psychological effects, and the countries. I couldn’t have had a better time. It was my first time overseas and I feel in love with all the different cities! On top of enjoying a once in a lifetime experience, I definitely overcame some self-image issues. When I started falling backward about two years ago, I gained over 40 pounds in a matter of months. Many psychological issues arose with the weight gain such as disordered eating and obsessions over the need to be thin. I was disgusted by how I looked and was ashamed to see myself in pictures. I didn’t feel pretty anymore. My first couple of days in London, I refused to take pictures of myself. I realized when my mom complained that she didn’t see any pictures with me, that I was letting this self-consciousness affect this once in a lifetime trip. These pictures were supposed to capture my memories of the trip and I was going to let my embarrassment take that away from me? I finally took the step and had my friend take my first picture. It was in front of a fountain on the way to the HMS Belfast Navy Ship. It was hard for me, but after taking those first few pictures, my self-confidence has definitely risen! I still feel heavy, I don’t like the stretch marks on my body or my fuller face, but I’m feeling much much better. In the end, I enjoyed an amazing trip, added three countries to my passport (four including a layover at the airport in Amsterdam) and I overcame one of my internal battles.

After returning home, I enjoyed two days of relaxing before going to New York City to see Josh Groban in Natasha and Pierre and the Great Comet on Broadway. Anyone who knows me knows I absolutely adore Josh. With a little help from my grammie, my cousin and I purchased seats on stage. My heart stopped when Josh was singing right in front of me. I don’t think my heart even recovered from such a severe case of melting. January was definitely the Month of Chelsea. Because school wasn’t involved in a way to trigger my OCD, I didn’t have too many mental battles to face. It was a well-needed break. February came as well as the start of my last semester at Hartwick College.  This is the last semester of my senior year! I can’t believe it. What shocks me even more, is the fact that each semester I’m getting better and better. I overcome one challenge and face another which is slightly easier to manage. Of course, there are bad days, which I think too many people (including myself just a year ago) don’t expect. They expect after overcoming a challenge that it’s a fresh start. From here on they can handle everything. The fact of the matter is, life is always going to be two steps forward one step back. Every once in a while it may even be two steps forward three steps back. Although this post is 99% positive, it’s important to realize that there are struggles I face every day. I still have OCD, I still have Anxiety and Depression. That’s okay. It’s part of my life just like any other disease or disorder. The important part is that each day I’m learning new things about myself and my disorders that help me to manage it.

Classes have been going well, I’ve missed more classes than the average student due to Depression rather than OCD. I feel different. Especially when I’m alone. There are days I just have no motivation to leave my bed. In all honestly, it’s not too severe. I just feel it stirring inside of me. For the most part, I’m doing great. Much better than last semester! The fact that I graduate May 20th blows my mind, and the fact that I’ve been applying to Psy.D and Masters programs are shocking. Nobody could have imagined I would be where I am today. To be able live independently, to care for myself, and to be so close to the future I’ve always dreamed of. It makes me tear up every time I think about it…which is often. I’m just so thankful for this life I’ve been given, for the people in it, and the obstacles that have made me stronger.

~ Stay Chipper ~

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