Mental Illness, OCD, Tourette Syndrome

Now Is Not Enough

Mortality is a topic that recently popped into my mind very late at night. I am someone who has always suffered in the present. OCD, Anxiety, you name it. Looking towards a better future is my way of coping with my struggles.

“Tomorrow will be a better day”

“When I’m a psychologist I can help others like myself”

“One day I will reach my dreams”

…I focus on the future. My dreams push me forward each day and give me purpose. Yet they are all based in the future…and that future is not a guarantee. There is a possibility that I may not live to reach those dreams. The one thing I am guaranteed is today, and that is not enough for me to be happy. Each day I dream about the office I will have, how it will look, and the people I will help as they sit beside me fighting their mental illness. Yes, I appreciate each day. The beauty of the world around me. The way laughter fills my entire body with golden happiness. How it feels to be loved by friends and family. The wet kisses of my puppies. The sunset that repeats it’s glorious masterpiece each night. Is it wrong that these beautiful moments aren’t enough for me? If I happened to die today, my life would be very much incomplete. Is that because I’m young? Just some late night thoughts and realizations I thought worthy of a blog post.

~Stay Chipper Friends~


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Mental Illness, OCD

This Story Is Getting Old

For a while now, I have been on the schedule of showering once every three to five days. Showering continues to be a struggle due to my OCD. The process of showering is a chore for me. Having to undress, get all wet, wash my hair and put conditioner in it, dry off, brush my now tangled hair. It’s a pain and OCD know’s that. He tries to protect me from doing such a chore. But, I’m tired of feeling dirty. Of having to coat my greasy hair with powder to make it look cleaner. Of spraying myself with perfume in case I smell. On Monday I decided enough was enough. I decided I will shower every night. It only took until Wednesday for OCD to decide he doesn’t like this new idea. The feeling of dread settled in my stomach like a lead weight. Anxiety trickled through my veins making it feel like an electric current. My heart tingled and fear seeped into my body spreading slowly through my limbs like a molten lava. My body refuses to leave the couch, and if I try, all of these feelings and emotions intensify. It makes me so angry. One more emotion to add to the storm inside me. I force myself to stand up in a swift motion and the storm inside roars making my tears leave their ducts and stream down my face.

I hate the feeling of anxiety. It feels like a mix of fear and static has settled into my stomach and over top my heart. I push through however and walk upstairs to the bathroom. I quickly undress and stand there looking in the mirror. I want to just jump in the shower, but I can’t. Now I have to look at my face. Look at any blemishes I have. Look at my arms and the freckles I have. It is as if my brain is doing anything it can to keep me out of the shower and distracted. If I try to look away, anxiety intensifies once again. The anger boils inside me making me finally jerk away from the mirror, place the shower mat on the floor, tug the curtain to the side, put the water on, and step into the shower. The storm starts to slip away and I’m left washing my salty tears away. I finish my shower with a heavy heart knowing I have to take another shower tomorrow. This feeling of dread gets old real fast. Anxiety gets old real fast. OCD gets old real fast…and I don’t even have my biggest trigger to worry about yet…school.

To add a positive to my negative mood, I know it will get easier. The more you fight the feeling, the easier it is the next time you do it. For showering, it may take a few weeks for it to feel easier, but in the end, it will.

~ Stay Chipper Friends ~


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Mental Illness, OCD, Tourette Syndrome

Best Advice Coming Out of Treatment

I have always been one for fresh starts. My go-to saying was, “this week is a new week, I’m starting over.” By doing this, I seemed to expect everything to be better. I expected smooth sailing. When the time came that I would fall back into my unhealthy habits, I would become disappointed in myself, in my circumstances, and in life. My lovely therapist and treatment team I’ve had over the years has given me a new mindset to use when I want to “start over.” Below I’ve listed what they have said and put my own spin on it with the ladder technique.

  • Create a destination. (Mine is overall mental health that I can live with more easily)
  • Remember that no matter how many setbacks you have, you will neve fall further than before. Each setback teaches you about yourself and your illness.
  • Look at treatment as climbing a ladder to your destination.
  • Realize that treatment is most of the time two steps forward one step back. Some days it may be two steps forward two steps back, or even two steps forward three steps back. My favorite days, however, are the three steps forward one step back. After a while, you may see more of those days. But it is important to realize that the steps backward are going to make an appearance and it is natural in treatment. Realizing this helps with that disappointment that sets in when having a fallback.
  • Evaluate each week how far along you are on your ladder. Remember that you can never start back at the beginning as you have learned more through the journey than you did at the start of it. There is no rush to get better. It is a slow process. Take time to appreciate the little victories.

 

I wish you the best of luck on your recovery.

 

~ Stay Chipper Friends ~


 

I love emails! Send me one here chipperchelseakay@gmail.com

Follow me on Twitter @chipperchelseak

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